Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Gold Sheets

The exterior of a typical Kohl's department st...Image via Wikipedia
I have had the same sheets since I first went to college in the fall of 2003. It has been almost nine years! So I decided I needed some new ones. Kohl's was having a sale. Perfect opportunity.

After searching for what seemed hours, I picked some brown sheets. I was looking for something a bit lighter, but it was no big deal. However, when I went to put them on my bed I noticed how shiny they are. Oh geez! I bought gold sheets! Why did it have to be so dark in that damned place?

Now I have gold sheets. Great. Who do I think I am? Freaking Nino Brown? A pimp? A vampire? I am not a drug dealer because I have seen the documentary, Scarface. And I am no longer a pimp because, I found out, it ain't easy.

That leaves vampire. Crap. So I bought tons of those tall, skinny candle holder things. What are they called? Oh right, candlestick holders. And I bought some goblets from which to drink. Blood (that is not my own) tastes pretty gross though. To solve that problem I purchased many gallons of Hawaiian Punch. That will have to do. I also bought a leather jacket.

Long story short: I have gold sheets and am a vampire.

The End.
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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Death Cat

This is something that frightens me everyday: Sometimes my cat meows at me and I meow back at him. I, however, have no idea what I am saying in Cat. Maybe I am saying, "Yo' momma, you punk ass cat!" And I keep saying this to him so he becomes angrier as each day passes.

Now, he may act all cute and whatever, but I am sure he is plotting his revenge for months of verbal abuse at the unwitting hands of myself. All day long he sits there on the couch, on the shelves, on the chairs, on the tables, floor, bed, radio, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. And when that moment comes, when I am at my most vulnerable, he will destroy me.

I do not want that to happen! I really do not! But I fear it is too late. So if I suddenly am poisoned or just plain disappear, I want you to know it was the cat all along. Catface Meowmers killed me.