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New Kitty!

My awesome friend, Julie, needed to give away her cat, I asked her for it and now I have my first pet! His name is Catface Meowmers. I'm really excited because, even though I never really wanted a pet before, this cat is great. He loves to sleep in my lap and just hang out and listen to the Beatles (especially Revolver; he wasn't a big fan of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon by the way). He's always purring and meowing too. It's great!

Here are some pictures:
Pretty, pretty kitty!
It took about an hour for him to sleep in my lap
And then later he fell asleep on the recliner
The first thing he did was check out the apartment, including under the recliner
He liked this cabinet in my room more though
Awwwwwwwww! He fell asleep in there too
This is his jam.

"Sideways Stories From Wayside School" Makes Me Nostalgic

I remember reading Sideways Stories from Wayside School back in grade school. I would read a lot in those days. We had a competition to see who could read the most and I was only ever really challenged by one person. Kind of nerdy actually.

Anyway, this book is weird. The school was supposed to be built with thirty classrooms side by side, but was instead built thirty stories high (there is also no 19th floor, sort of). All the students and teachers appear to be slightly crazy, kooky at the very least and one of them turns out to be a dead rat wearing a bunch of raincoats.

Yeah, I was just as insane back then as I am today.

Miami Douchebags

Lebron is worse than Hitler and another midget Hitler combined.

The Most Insulting People I've Ever Been Told I Look Like

A few times in my life I have been called some...not flattering things, especially as it pertains to my appearance. Why would someone who isn't mad at me tell me something so messed up? I don't know. These are the worst two. And they are terrible.

1) Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters (as played by Harold Ramis)
I have tried my whole life to not look or act like Egon. Then I say ONE science-y thing and boom! My mom brings this comparison out. But  it still is only the second most insulting comparison.







2) Steve Buscemi
This one really made me want to take a cheese grater to my face. Seriously. What possessed the person who told me I looked like him to do it? I will never know. But it haunts me to this day... I am way better looking than Steve freakin' Buscemi! (And even then I still fall in the "ugly" category, but still!)





These are two of the ugliest guys ever! Damn! Now if you'll excuse me, I am off to find a really high cliff from which to jump.

If you could have ANY animal as a pet, what would it be?

Image via Wikipedia I am doing this thing where you post a blog entry everyday. National Blog Posting Month writes some the prompts and I will do the posting. This is the first one for me.

I've never had a pet before. So I have no gauge for what kind of pet I would like. But I rode a horse like two times and I'll choose that. Not just any kind of horse though. It would have to be a part robot horse. And it will have wheels so it goes super fast! What else?

Music. I need music. The robot horse will have to have a sound system. And it gets hot here. I will need some sort of air conditioning. Maybe some extra seats to put my stuff. Also, a steering wheel and...oh crap, my horse is just a car.

If I could have any animal as a pet, it would be a car.

Pimpin'

I'm totally this guy all the time, forever. Manager: How's the life? How's the pimpin' life?
Me: Well it's certainly not that...
Manager: You're not pimpin?
Me: Unless I am without noticing, then no.
Manager: Don't you have girls lining up?
Me: What? No. What?
Manager: If you were you would know.
Me: Um, okay...

The World Is Ending ABC

So this is my first attempt at a poem. Each line starts with a letter of the alphabet in alphabetical order. And the first letter of each word shares the same letter as the other letters in that line (with a few deviations). I did not know where I was going with this, but after the first two lines I decided it would be about an apocalyptic world. I think it works okay. Eh.

After an atrocious attempt at actualizing the afterlife,
Before breathing broken bottles by blazing bricks,
Comfortably confined, casually contained,
Disaster dared decide to dole
Everything ever, even equating exciting, esoteric events
From Forthcoming Fathers fanning famous flames
Grotesquely growing grey guns given gaily,
He hid, having heard howling. However High Heaven has held
Inside itself immense items invincible, incredible, indestructible,
Just jokingly in justice-jeweled jasmine jars.
Knowingly kept kaleidoscopic kittens
Loom, laugh, looking like little listless leopards.
More men march, making money movi…

This Box Is Very Aggressive

Why are you so angry, box?

Lonely Stroller

I saw this tonight in the Walmart parking lot at a little past one in the morning. Apparently they left the stroller, but thankfully took the baby. Or perhaps the baby, in an act reminiscent of Rugrats, escaped the restraints and is on a quest to rejoin its family. This could be the Las Cruces version of Home Alone 2, Joe Dirt and every Toy Story movie...all rolled into one (and staring a baby). I hope its the latter. Please let it be the latter!
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Home

Last night I "added my hometown" to Facebook. See?
But I've never really felt like that is my hometown despite the fact that I lived there for the vast majority of my life. I just never fit in with the city or the people. I'm not sure what makes it so people feel a part of the city; I just know I have never felt that. For instance, I despise and can not stand pretty much everything everybody in El Paso loves:

Chico's TacosUTEPDallas CowboysLos Angeles Lakersbeing obeseOn top of all that I don't like any of the radio stations. I'm not Mexican, have no interest in Mexico and don't speak spanish. I hate the heat and the lack of rain, not to mention the ugly rocks they call mountains, Texas in general, big, stupid trucks and dirt, all the damn dirt. All of it is ugly.
Image via Wikipedia
Really, the only place I like in El Paso is my parents' home. I'm comfortable there and it's where I spend all my time whenever I have to be in the city. With a …

My Greatest Tweet Ever

Hey, want to piss me off? Just be obnoxious! One day I wrote this on Twitter:






Then Red Bull of all people decides to reply for some reason and when I saw that I got a bit angry:


So...go to hell Red Bull Energy Shots. "Just PULL IT OUT." I guess if I was a frat guy I would laugh hysterically at that. "Pull it out! It sounds like they're talking about a penis! Har har har, bro!" Plus, how would pulling anything out, penis or Red Bull, get me empathy? Just go die, Red Bull Shots. (Also, my boss that day was a woman.)
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Happy Father's Day

It was yesterday? Damn it!
If my last name were Normal, I would totally have a bunch of kids and name them all Abby the way George Foreman names all his kids George.

ABC's New Show Should Jump Off the Side of a Building and Die Forever

Image via Wikipedia Downfall and everyone involved with that show. Fuck You. Seriously. ABC, how the hell are you going to air a show where if the contestant does not win you break the prize? Fuck You. It is just so damn wasteful. You are the dumbest fucking network on t.v. Throw your stupid vampire show off the side of a building and jump after it. Fuck You.



This shit isn't extreme, it's just stupid. Fuck You. And fuck anyone who watches this shit.

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Family Guy: Oh Yeah, I Hate That Thing

Once upon a time I watched Family Guy and enjoyed it. Now I can not even hear Stewie's voice without exploding into a violent rage (as opposed to my normal quiet rage). People talk about how funny it is all the time and I just do not understand why. So here I sit at nearly four in the morning trying to figure out what happened to me.

At first I thought maybe I have just become one of those assholes who hates things that people like (I do mostly), but I used to like the show when it came out and I vaguely remember most people my age liking it then too. Perhaps I outgrew Family Guy. By outgrow I do not mean I only believe in "high brow" humor or something. But from the time the show came out in 1999 (I was 14) to now (25) I have had the opportunity to experience many more shows, movies, comedians, etc and have expanded what I think comedy is or can be. Meanwhile, it feels to me that Family Guy has become stagnant, relying on the same stupid thing over and over again. And i…

A Light Bulb Having an Idea

Relationships

Image by Temporary Transfer via Flickr Everybody writes about their relationships online. I thought I would try it. There's a couple of ways to do it. One can be vague and hope the person the post is intended for reads it. Or one could be specific. That's a little vulnerable though. Hm... I'll just write and see where it goes.

Have you ever loved something? It just makes you happy to be around it. Everything is great, but there's always that nagging feeling that that love is not reciprocated. You can never tell what's in another's mind, you know? Then you find out that worst that you can imagine came true. And that's where I am now.

I don't think Spaghetti Os will ever love me as much as I love them. Now I know what was supposed to go in the empty space in the middle of Spaghetti Os: a heart.

Hamsters? Really?

Watching the NBA playoffs I have seen this Kia commercial with hamsters a million times:



It's cute, right? Well yeah, but I have some problems with it. For one, the vehicle is just plain ugly. Why anybody would want to drive something that looks like a box is beyond me. Some of the hamsters are riding in a toaster. Why? Is that something hamsters do, hang out in toasters? Do people say, "Dude! Your car is a toaster!" Plus, the Kia Soul actually looks like the toaster!


A little research reveals the toaster and washing machine images are "a nod to automotive lingo that dismisses dull cars as "appliances.'" Okay. But I saw the commercial repeatedly and never had any idea that the appliances reference was a thing.

And if I saw giant hamsters riding around in cars I would be terrified! Imagine seeing those things in person. You would not be thinking they were cute in their hip-hop clothing. You would be afraid of these mutated things! And maybe they have gun…

Goodbye Google Buzz

So after trying Google Buzz for awhile I have decided to quit. At first I was interested since I use so many Google products, but it is just tedious and boring. Nobody I know was using it and all the people that followed me (who I also followed back) posted nothing interesting. Most of them were just promoting some blog or whatever they were working on (and most of the blogs were about social networking).

Still I am on Twitter and many of the same arguments could be made about that. The difference to me is people I know are on Twitter and my many of my favorite athletes and actors/actresses are too. I can usually get at least a few interesting items a day out of Twitter and I just did not find Buzz to be the same.

Mostly Buzz just became something to clear out of Reader and Gmail...kind of the way you would do with spam. Sorry Google. But I still love a lot of your other stuff!

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Why Does This Girl Hate Me So Much?

Commercials are supposed to make you want to buy something, but I find myself tuning them out. Sometimes I will see a commercial on tv dozens of times before I finally notice for whom the ad is. And increasingly I discover myself not being swayed to buy something, but rather, to not buy something. Basically, if I think your commercial sucks, or it annoys me, I am not buying what you are selling.

And here is the newest ad that just makes me not want to buy this stuff ever. This is supposed to be "The Girlfriend," the perfect girl. Yet everything she says is the opposite of what I would want a girl to be like.



Let's take this point by point:
She likes guys who have "a little fat." Damn! I don't have any. But that isn't a big deal right? She could learn to get over by lack of fat.She likes guys who have "a little bit hairy back." Damn again! I don't have a hairy back. Strike two for me. At this point I must disgust her...She likes guys who wat…

What I Thought About During The Office This Week

Image via Wikipedia On this past week's episode of The OfficeMichael said that if he had a gun with two bullets and was in a room with Bin Laden, Hitler and Toby, he would shoot Toby twice. Then everybody tried to come up with a way to kill all three with only two bullets. Dwight finally satisfied everyone with his solution: line all three shoulder to shoulder, stand on one end and shoot all three through the throat with one bullet.



That's a nice solution, but there is a better way. First you shoot Toby twice because he is just...awful. Just awful. Then you use the gun to bludgeon Bin Laden and Hitler to death. That would be fun!

The end.

Oh wait, a music video to accompany this post!


Arizona Is a Stupid Place

In 1908, horse-drawn buggies and wagons peppered the intersection of Mesa and Mills streets in Downtown El Paso. Photo courtesy of El Paso Public Library. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) I honestly can not believe how stupid Arizona is. Their governor signed a bill that targets ethnic studies programs because the programs are supposedly racist. And looking at the comments on this azcentral.com story just confirms how stupid some people are.

According to these people, studying the contributions of Hispanics is nothing less than total racism. I wish I had the opportunity to take classes like those when I was in school. In middle school we were required to take Texas History. Since I really do not like Texas I did not care for the class. Plus I lived in El Paso and we learned almost exclusively about white people and all the "awesome" things they did (like the Alamo or whatever). So I took the class, who cares really. I certainly did not.

This is from my professor's notes about the effects of advertising on women:

What is most important about women is how they look. Images of media beauty. Must be flawless Women are things. With breasts. Large breasts are important. Thin is VERY important.It must have been difficult for him to write that with only one free hand.

Thank You for Freaking Me Out, Computer

All I wanted to do was relax and listen to Sounds of Silence, the great Simon and Garfunkel album. Suddenly I became totally disoriented because the album ended and the next artist in alphabetical order happens to be Siouxsie and the Banshees...


You should put a pause in there to let me prepare for that shift, Windows Media Player! Damn you! Now I'm all uneasy and trying to go to sleep.
I went from this:



To this:

Febreze Cologne

Image via Wikipedia I was at work and a box full of bottles of Febreze spilled the stuff all over me. Usually when I get splashed, or sometimes even drenched, in something it is terrible. Nobody wants to smell like motor oil or salsa or vinegar all day. At least I don't. But being covered in Febreze was awesome! I smelled so good! That makes me think they should package Febreze as cologne.

Now, I actually dislike cologne or that body smell crap. Take this here, my biggest pet peeve, Axe Body Spray:



This ad essentially says, "These stupid bitches will flock to your dumb ass if you spray this terrible shit all over the place! So buy it and you can control them! All of them! Like slavery! Because they're just STUPID BITCHES! Get it!?!"

But it seems to work I guess. Everybody I run into pours the stuff all over them, choking me to death whenever I am near. Then the girls fall for that because they are dumb, everybody is dumb, and the stupid douchebag guys and the dumbass …

The Outsiders

Image via Wikipedia
Man, remember that movie The Outsiders; one of those guys' name was Soda Pop and at the time it was cool?  It's not cool right now. If your nickname was Soda Pop...you'd be dead.

-Mitch Hedberg