Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ultimate Gillette Gift Set

Do you see that? I bought it last week. Five dollars for all of it! Amazing, I know! A sixteen dollar value. The amount of savings is almost impossible to put into words. Eleven. But eleven is still one of the biggest numbers I know, so that means this Ultimate Gillette Fusion Gift Set achieves greatness. I can not stop talking about strangers, to acquaintances, to friends, to strange friends with whom I am acquainted, etc. But mostly to strangers.

I go up to them in dark alleys, corner them against the wall in a rough fashion and express my love for Gillette's incredible...incredibleness. "Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you, bastard!" I say as I grab them by the throat, slamming them against the wall. Then, with wild eyes a-blazing, I tell them this:

"You may not know it, but you are missing the greatest deal known to earth since Jesus' Carpentry Store Presidents Day sales back in...England or wherever he was from. For the low, low, low price of five American dollars, you too can buy this at Wal-Mart. And don't worry...hey, stop crying. And don't worry, you may think only special, important people may take part in this, but, really, and I'm not even freakin' kidding man, you can too!"

That's how it starts and eventually the person is so excited they sprint off to go get it! Aw, man! I'm just so happy right now! I can't even come up with words. I can barely capitalize my writing correctly! Hey shift key, go to hell! I've no time for you.

And to think, I just wanted some shaving cream. It was about three dollars, but a lady I work with pointed me towards this gift from Gillette. Now, we all know that Gillette was named after actual terrible comedian,, Penn...sylvania? Doesn't matter. The point is they were, like, really big in Pennsylvania or something and then they came out with this Ultimate Gillette Gift Set and now they have national commercial campaigns and are known all over most of the United States! Wow, ADVERTISING! America, what a country!

First of all, it comes with a razor that has five blades! Five blades and the set costs five dollars. Genius, symbolism! I could not have come up with something that witty. It also has a sixth, precision blade, but we will ignore that. The razor is technically called the Gillette Fusion Power. And boy is that ever an accurate description of the product. Whenever I use it I want to just go jump the crap out of people in alleys! AH, THE POWER, I CAN FEEL IT SURGING THROUGH MY FACE VEINS AND THEN, EVENTUALLY, THE REST OF MY VEINS!

But with great power comes great responsibility. So that's why the brilliant people at Gillette, in a stroke of brilliance, included matching shaving, not cream, gel. The only bad thing about the gel is how good it smells. How could that be a bad thing? Because I tried to eat it and it did not taste good. Funny thing though, after shaving, the power in my veins makes me want to eat all sorts of weird things, like cars. I go out at night, eatin' cars. I eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too, Mercurys and Subaru. And I don't stop, I keep on eatin' cars. Then, when there're no more cars, I go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet, face to face, dance cheek to cheek, one to one, man to man, dance toe to toe.

As far as deodorant goes, you can not possibly do more than "Triple Protection" unless you make the container larger. And that is not sensible.

Though a stupid thing, body wash, for washing your body, also is included. If only they could make it into a solid form, it would be better. I bet that's what they're working on next.

And the "Deep Cleaning Shampoo" contains this on the back of the bottle "Charged Cleaning System + Our highest level of cleansing agent = An ALL DAY clean you can feel." And the hits keep coming! The Department of Homeland Security wouldn't let them say that if it wasn't true. Sure, I could hardly believe they would put the formula right on the back of the bottle, but they are cold-blooded shampoo makers. I decided to take a look at the ingredients and was SOOOOOOO excited to see it included methylchloroisothiazolinone. Then I looked it up on the internets and found out the only side effect is something called "Aloysiussnuffleupagusishness." Sounds fun!

So, in closing, and in conclusion, I hope you run right out and buy this. If you don't then you obviously hate America, the country where you live probably. Five dollars! FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!