Thursday, September 11, 2008

Chuck Norris Is a Tough Guy and Military Expert

Infected with teh ghey.In order to prove how tough he remains at his advanced age (68 and not a grey hair to be seen) Chuck Norris bullies Arianna Huffington on Larry King Live. He tells her about his "two tours" in Iraq when he talked to troops and commanders and they told him that we need to stay there forever no matter the cost. That is why he is supporting Alaskan celebrity personality Sarah Palin for president, dooming the campaign to hilarious obscurity in a similar fashion to his effect on Huckleberry Hound.

Look, I've read all the Chuck Norris facts. Should he not be able to go to Iraq and kill all the terrorists by himself?

[Vet Voice]

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Beware of Inventing Things and, also, Molemen

  • Some Foreign Guy invented the iPod, but gets NO MONEY AT ALL because Apple says they do not really care. [Daily Mail]
  • The MTV Video Music Awards really sucked and pretty much nobody will ever watch it a perfect world. [Slam Online]
  • John Hodgeman (from the Daily Show and Apple commercials) has a new book and also talks about Molemen and Molemanic women a whole bunch. [Boing Boing TV via Comedy Central Insider]
  • Stephen Colbert's DNA will soon be in space and that is actually very cool. Unfortunately it will not be his famous "Formula 401." Sorry ladies. [AP via No Fact Zone]
  • The Onion has discovered the most important issue for this election and, really, every election. [The Onion]

Monday, September 8, 2008

The New Barack Roll Video

The McCain campaign seems to have no knowledge that putting a solid color behind their candidate makes it very easy to make him look as stupid as they actually are. So, for no other reason than the YouTubes provide a reason for people to make hilarious videos using the abundance of election footage floating around, I present to you the new Barack Roll video.

[John McCain Gets BarackRoll'd]

Updates: If Only We Could Get Rid of this Pesky Media

  • Meet the Eastern Media Elite that people have been so raving about (Dana Milbank is still an ass). [Swampland]
  • A Southern Republican U.S. Representative is racist? I could not believe it either. But he has a great excuse...stupidity. (Stephen Colbert also made him look like an idiot about two years ago) [No Fact Zone and Atlanta Journal-Constitution]
  • Grown man and Hall of Fame former basketball player Patrick Ewing forgets to wear pants like the rest of the grown ups. [Slam Online]
  • One guy likes Nicholas Cage making an endless amount of crappy movies. [MSNBC]
  • Oh look. A comprehensive story on the life of Mitch Hedberg. [New York Times]

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Everything You Need to Know about Sarah Palin

The band Heart hates her. The End.Since the Alaska Governor, now Republican Vice Presidential nominee, remains the only thing anyone can talk about forever, here is a rundown of some of the stuff that has been revealed about her. This list is generally in reverse chronological order. I am going to assume most people already know the basics (like how she is the mother of everyone in Alaska and once shot every animal just to watch them die) and may still have missed out on some of the newest, post Convention news. She could be the funnest candidate for office in a long time because it is fun to watch a train wreck, I guess. Is it? Why is that a saying? It seems like a terrible thing actually. Anyway, ready? Let's Go!

  • She is kind of a racist. If by kind of I mean really, really. [LA Progressive]
  • Alaskan indie rock bands do not like her. [Hartford Courant]
  • The people who defend her are idiots and hypocrites. [Comedy Central Insider]

  • She thinks community organizing is pointless and does not really know what they do apparently. [Swampland]
  • She is really easy to make fun of because of her stupid voice and incredibly weird story. [FakeSarahPalin on Twitter and YouTube]

  • She has this strange timeline regarding her last birth where her water breaks when she is in Texas, but she proceeds to speak at a conference and then fly to Alaska to give birth over a dozen hours later in a hospital that is far away from the very good one she happened to be near. And no conservative commentator can believe why anyone would think there is something funny going on. [Vanity Fair]
  • There are about a million other things. Nobody can really keep track of them. Only one place is trying. You can literally waste HOURS looking through all the stuff. [Wonkette]

Remember When Jenna Fischer Was Kidnapped?

Don't call me Pammy.Rainn Wilson (Dwight from the Office) kidnapped Jenna Fischer (Pam from the Office) in an attempt to get people to go to his movie "The Rocker." It should have worked, right? Get a pretty girl from one of the best shows on television to drive web traffic to a website full of videos describing the kidnapping and people trying to get her out. Hey, even get Slash to guest star in a few videos! Keep the movie in everyone's mind so they go see it on opening day. So, how did it fare?

It turns out that even great viral marketing can not make an average movie great. Plagued by reviews of being boring and unimaginative (earning a 35% fresh rating on, "The Rocker" only managed to open in 12th place, grossing $2.75 million. So, now that the movie flopped there was only one question to ask, "What would happen to Jenna Fischer?"

So that did not happen, but then another video appeared that was much more sinister.

So now the fun is all gone and it was expected that Jenna Fischer was dead, but she managed to survive and is helping kittens. According to her MySpace Blog:

I’m free! I’m out of Rainn’s trunk! I faked my own death and escaped from a shallow grave. When Rainn saw me walking around set, I pretended to be a zombie so he wouldn’t try to bury me again. And, it worked! I’m free!

What a crazy experience. On August 11th, I told Rainn he could post something on my MySpace page and the next thing I know I’m locked in a car for 15 days. The days were brutally hot and the nights were cold.

I was touched by the number of people who came by to visit. Oscar played cards with me through the window. He even let me win once or twice. Amy Ryan sneaked food from the catering department. She knows how much I love their beef tacos. Creed played guitar for me at sunset. I saw Angela talking with Rainn but then she went away and I never saw her again. The same thing happened with B.J. and Mindy.

My 15 days in captivity provided me with a lot of time to think. I feel enlightened. And, while my captivity did not bring The Rocker box office to the numbers we had hoped I still saw the value of giving myself over to a cause higher than self. I've decided to use this experience to give back. And it starts now!

If you live in Los Angeles.., please join me on Sunday September 14th for The Furball at the Skirball the 10 year anniversary celebration and fundraiser for Kitten Rescue – the largest animal rescue organization in Southern California. (They saved over 1,000 cats last year.)

The Furball at the Skirball is an awesome event. There will be live entertainment, an awesome multi-course dinner, and a silent auction – featuring MANY, MANY signed items from the Office cast including a signed mug, signed script, signed DVD, a limited edition “Dunder-Muffin” suitcase (it was a joke inscription made exclusively for the cast and crew of The Office) and more. My friend Jennifer Gunn donated a Cupcake Courier! They also have trips, jewelry, and you might even be able to bid on the designer cocktail dress I’ll be wearing that evening. So, please come out and mingle for a good cause.

As many of you know, I’m passionate about animals. Before The Office I worked for 3 years doing hands-on rescue work with Kitten Rescue. In my time with the organization I personally fostered and placed 9 cats. That means that I would take a cat into my home, care for it, give it medical attention if it was sick and eventually find it permenant home. Kitten Rescue covers the cost of medical procedures, spay/neuter, and microchipping and they organize adoption fairs to help their foster volunteers place the cats into loving homes. It is a truly amazing network of animal lovers and the work is very rewarding.

Now our long, national nightmare is over. Welcome back Jenna!

[Free Jenna Now!]
[Rotten Tomatoes]
[Chicago Tribune]
[Jenna Fisher MySpace Blog]

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Updates: Beatles Monopoly

  • A new Beatles Monopoly game was released. Now you can own all the Beatles' catalog just like famed child molestor Michael Jackson! [Amazon]

  • Maybe you've heard of this Ron Paul guy? Every idiot you know likely has told you about him. Well, he had a convention at the same time as the Republicans and his was better with the costumes and whatnot. [Swampland]

  • Google created a web browser and will soon announce its' own government which we will all then switch to. The free market works, people! [Goggle's Blog]

  • No-longer-hostage Jenna Fischer wants to raise money for kittens, presumably for a presidential run, maybe. [Office Tally]

  • Who is Columbia gonna call to write the new Ghostbusters movie? The guys from the Office. [Variety]

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Dood! RNC Gestapo Pigs Arrest Amy Goodman!

Guns don't kill people. Cops kill people.Police arrested Amy freakin' Goodman of Democracy Now!, the independent, nationally syndicated radio show, outside the Republican National Convention. In the video, below, you can tell how dangerous and menacing she is.

Obviously she had to be taken down. Good journalists who actually report on things that matter have no right to not be arrested! And you may think she does not look dangerous. Well, you'd be dead wrong! After she escaped from Gitmo (where the rest of her fellow real terrorists are being kept) she went on a rampage. This is actual footage from the cable news that happened when you were too busy not watching cable news because how much dramatic hurricane coverage theme music can you take before exploding?

My God, what have we unleashed onto the unsuspecting American people?

[Washington Post Blog]