Wednesday, August 13, 2008

My Olympic T.V. Experience

All day, all the time, on every channel, images of comic book-looking Olympic athletes bombard our eyes. None of us will ever feel adequate again. But on the plus side, even though the world is slowly melting down, the United States of Awesome should win a gigantic pile of gold medals which we will then use to prop up the failing U.S. dollar! And despite all of us being a fat slobs, we choose to cheer these people on to make ourselves feel better while using both fists to stuff doughnuts in our face. But did you know there are other countries trying to win too?

I've noticed a few things about all the countries and events. In China they play "The Final Countdown" by Europe during basketball games before critical possessions just like in the US. There are less belligerent, homoerotic magicians sadly.

There is a stereotype that Chinese people are short. But the Chinese basketball team has really good giants (including the 7'6" Yao Ming). And their small players are terrible. Shouldn't it be easier to find good short players if there is a larger pool to choose from? As far as I'm concerned, everyone in China is incredibly tall until someone proves it to be otherwise.

Michael Phelps is a freak and actually part fish. He is a mutant and should not be allowed to compete against mere drug-aided, normal people. In times like these, when we are faced with such creatures, we need the help of the Friends of Humanity and possibly Lou Dobbs.

Tennis is incredibly boring, but badminton is fun!

Women's (regular and beach) volleyball will be played on endless repeat in my head for the rest of my life.

If you aren't with us, you're against us...Bring 'em on...You see, you can't fool us again..."W" is still an idiot.

Gymnasts look like video game characters.

More to come maybe...