Thursday, August 28, 2008

Live Democratic Convention Coverage Is Crazy Fun!

Where is Walter Cronkite when we need him?I like MSNBC. It is funny. CNN is boring. Fox News is...retarded. But MSNBC is full of people who despise each other and say it on the air! I love live t.v!

Everyone at MSNBC probably should just get a little more sleep. This convention is tearing them apart! Why can't we just get along? Here is Chris Matthews losing his mind for no reason.


And then we have self-righteous, but usually correct and generally funny Keith Olbermann being an ass to major douchebag Joe Scarborough.


MSNBC can not get enough of tearing each other down as idiot Scarborough decides to be a major ass to another complete douche, David Shuster.


But they were not the only ones doing stupid things. Here is Fox News being eaten alive by protesting anarchist, liberal wolves. Then Fox reporter Griff "fratboy" Jenkins asks, as Fox reporters are prone to do at the drop of a hat (or accusations of bias), "Do you not believe in freedom?"


And if you want to know where any CNN videos are...well, there are not any because CNN is boring and nobody watches it. I can only assume Wolf Blitzer finally scalped Jack Cafferty like he has wanted to do ever since "the Cafferty File" was invented. I will try to confirm this from my pretend, unicorn sources.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Guess Whose Birthday It Was Yesterday...Kristen Wiig!

Soooooo pretty...She's the super pretty girl from Saturday Night Live who also happens to be one of the funniest members. Yesterday she turned 35. Videos below the fold.







[Comedy Central Insider]

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Kids Say the Darndest Things

There could be only one thing better than the Dark Knight. The Dark Knight done by kids.



[College Humor]

Friday, August 22, 2008

New Mitch Hedberg Record Soon

I got so much tartar (on my teeth), I don't got to dip my fishsticks in shit...Actually, that's kinda gross.The late comedian Mitch Hedberg made people laugh with the strange inflections in his voice and even stranger observations. Now you can hear some jokes off the soon-to-be-released Do You Believe in Gosh? (record two months before his death), out on Comedy Central records September 9.

Hedberg was one of the greatest comics of his generation (certainly WAAAAAYYYY better than better known MySpace-fueled, shitty comics who just yell and couldn't tell a joke to save their life) despite his shy and unassuming stage presence. Now watch some videos of his greatness:







You can read more about the man and buy his old records, some cool t-shirts and other memorabilia at his website: mitchhedberg.net.

[Punchline Magazine]

Updates: A Good Week for New Mexico and other State Stuff

  • People all over the country get to learn that John "No, My Wife Owns Those Seven Homes" McCain wants all the young people in Las Cruces to be drafted and go to war against every country in the world and kill everyone or Osama Bin Laden (whichever comes first). [YouTube]

  • A writer in Clovis thinks a town in New Mexico should change its name to Canton so Stephen Colbert makes fun of it as free publicity rains down on us all. [CNJ Online]

  • New Mexico may just be able to increase its number of disgraced Pakistani dictators leaders when exiled former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf moves here! [PBS: Online NewsHour]

  • Hippies tried to burn down NMSU in 1969, but luckily super asshole Steve Pearce was there to stop it with his ASNMSU President superpowers. Well, today we have an asshole ASNMSU President. I guess now we have to burn down some administration buildings. [New Mexico Independent]

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Bat-Man

I came back from the track at about 11:45 PM tonight. Next to my door was a bat hanging on the wall. A gigantic, evil bat that wanted to kill me! But I kept my cool. I'm not afraid of a stupid bat because I'm a man, damnit!

Watch This Because It Is Great

As I stuck the key into the thing on the door where you stick the key, the bat flew away...or so I thought. Understand that my door is a well known loser and rarely allows for a simple turn of the key. It must be coaxed into actually working (kicked, verbally abused, etc.). So as I was trying to turn the key, hoping no pretty girl would walk by to observe me struggling with a key, the bat, foaming at the mouth, flew back over me. At that point I ducked like a little sissy girl because, like, damn, the thing could have rabbies or something!

There was also, maybe, a Putty from the original Power Rangers there. I can't be sure.

The thing about bats is they are indeed scary. Some people who even PRETEND to be part bat attack their mother and sister. I saw it on the E! Channel. Others are able to be rehabilitated. Take, for instance, the one from Brooklyn who then went on to run a daycare with other unemployed fathers. None of the children were even bitten if I'm not mistaken.

You can never be sure what you are going to get. Some are good until they sleep with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I fear for Freddie Prinze, Jr. Remember he had a t.v. show? It wasn't as good as his dad's, but I thought it was funny. Then it got canceled. I don't know why. I can only assume he turned into a bad bat and killed the other people working on the show. Probably not all of them (he doesn't seem that vicious), but enough to where the network figured it would be prudent to shut it down.

I think that's what must have happened and nobody can change my mind.

In conclusion, I almost died all the way to death tonight. Only my J.D-like reflexes saved me from certain danger.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Updates: The Worst Way to Celebrate a Successful Movie

  • Craig Robinson (Darryl on The Office) plays a character in the awesome new stoner film "Pineapple Express" then goes and gets arrested for possessing meth and ecstasy. [New York Times]

  • Creed, guitarist for the 60's band The Grass Roots and actor on The Office, creates his own slang. [Creed Thoughts]

  • If the love fest between China and Kobe Bryant goes an inch further, Kobe is going to be forced to buy his wife another gigantic diamond ring. [Denver Post]

  • If you want to make people at Fox News mad just mention that John McCain had an affair. Similarly, if you want to get away with cheating on your wife, make sure you have been a POW first. [YouTube via Wonkette]

  • Some kid meets Glenn Danzig and Olivia Munn (and is even in a video for a second with her) at Comic Con. [Everything You Don't Care About Forever]

  • Jon Stewart is still cool and people want to write about him. [New York Times]

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Rocky MMVIII: Obama v McCain

I'm Barack Obama and you're not.We already know Barack Obama is a secret mooslim, a radical christian, the anti-christ, the messiah, uppity, the most famous celebrity in all the world ever, a basketball player, an elitist, a professor, a lawyer, a Foreign, a librul, a lefty, best friends with Malcolm X and Scarlett Johansson and George Clooney, black, white, Hawaiian (or did I cover that with Foreign), unable to answer a phone at three in the morning, related to everyone everywhere, a drug addict, a gym rat, a known terrorist, the second coming of JFK, the second coming of RFK and willing to Lose the War™ to win an election. But what we did not know is that he is actually Rocky.





I find it strange that almost every clip has a black guys face plastered on a white body and white faces on black bodies. Which goes to show you: Rocky is a racist movie created by the KKK.

Bob Saget Hates You Too...Probably

Remember Full House? Bob Saget is not at all like his character. In fact, in this clip he looks almost presidential. Well, in that he calls a bird "the c-word," the same term of endearment John McCain uses to describe his wife.


Now, if Saget starts making crappy, terrible rape jokes, I will really start to wonder if him and McCain are the same person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?

[Funny or Die via Comedy Central Insider]

Friday, August 15, 2008

It's Like the Name Game, But Not at All

In the Putin's Russia, the records choose you!This is the scenario. Russia attacks your homeland 'cause they be all frontin' like dat. Soldiers burst into your room and demand you tell them what five records you would choose to save if you were being forced to choose (because you are, in fact, being forced to choose). In order to save the country you must list in the comments on this post which five records.

I shall start this off. Here is my list:

  • S.F. Sorrow by The Pretty Things
  • Revolver by The Beatles
  • Ascenseur pour l'├ęchafaud (Original Soundtrack) by Miles Davis
  • The Dock of the Bay: The Definitive Collection by Otis Redding
  • Casting Shadows by The Black Hollies

Wow. That was way harder than I thought it would be. Go ahead and try...if you have the balls. Oh. And also, if you do not comment an answer, then you hate the troops more than they do and apple pie and puppies and Marvin Gaye singing the national anthem.

[YouTube]

Troops Deployed Abroad Give 6:1 to Obama [OpenSecrets]

Updates: Maybe Not Ending But Certainly Changing

  • The Spanish basketball team is a bunch of jerks and they do not even realize it. [Slam Online]

  • Everyone in China loves Team USA Basketball. At least somebody outside the country likes us. [NBC Olympics]

  • Some veterans hate the stupid no-bid contractors in Iraq too. [Vet Voice]

  • Funny comedian Lewis Black to guest on NPR's 'Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me' on Saturday. [Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me]

  • By 2042, whites will no longer be the majority. Hispanics will immediately put up a fence along the Canadian border. [MSNBC]

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Have You Got The Fever!?!?!

Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever

Olivia Munn Afraid of Balloons

So, I watched Attack of the Show and Olivia Munn was looking mighty fine (she's no Anna David though). Kevin Pereira decided to mimic a video they showed and pop balloons on Olivia. It turned out way less hot then it should have been because she is DEATHLY FRIGHTENED OF BALLOONS. [Attack of the Show]



Updates: The World Is Ending

  • A complete douche writes a poorly researched book full of erroneous information about Barack Obama and it immediately shoots to Number One. We Are Screwed.

  • Some people would not know good music from bad music if I kept slapping them in the face telling them which is which. MSNBC proves it knows little to nothing about music.

  • In case you missed it. MTV decides to murder 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' with a remake featuring new music. I can NOT wait for the Fall Out Boy featuring Soulja Boy produced by P.Diddy soundtrack!

  • Isaac Hayes memorial service scheduled.

  • Waiting for a Superbad 2? Keep waiting, but there may be a Pineapple Express, Superbad crossover movie. Probably not, but maybe.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Jenna Fischer Kidnapped!

Jenna Fischer, a.k.a. the cutest girl ever in the history of television and the world and probably every other planet in the universe, a.k.a. Pam Beesly on The Office (also my future wife), has been kidnapped by Rainn Wilson.

In what appears to be a desperate effort to get people to go see his new movie "The Rocker" which was all over My-freakin'-Space for weeks, Wilson vows to not let Fischer go until the movie grosses $18.7 million. At that time she will also receive a peach smoothie...and Wilson will probably be allowed to star in another movie and then go on to pull a David Caruso, leave The Office and fail.

Now, in a sign of the times, Wilson has created a website to raise awareness of his Pretty Girl Kidnapping. The first of what promises to be multiple videos has also been posted (starring Eddie Murphy and Robert Downey Jr.):



We need to save her now. This is a video from a few years ago of her on the Late Late Show:



Free Jenna Now!
Ransom Letter

UPDATE: Situation Resolved

My Olympic T.V. Experience

All day, all the time, on every channel, images of comic book-looking Olympic athletes bombard our eyes. None of us will ever feel adequate again. But on the plus side, even though the world is slowly melting down, the United States of Awesome should win a gigantic pile of gold medals which we will then use to prop up the failing U.S. dollar! And despite all of us being a fat slobs, we choose to cheer these people on to make ourselves feel better while using both fists to stuff doughnuts in our face. But did you know there are other countries trying to win too?

I've noticed a few things about all the countries and events. In China they play "The Final Countdown" by Europe during basketball games before critical possessions just like in the US. There are less belligerent, homoerotic magicians sadly.




There is a stereotype that Chinese people are short. But the Chinese basketball team has really good giants (including the 7'6" Yao Ming). And their small players are terrible. Shouldn't it be easier to find good short players if there is a larger pool to choose from? As far as I'm concerned, everyone in China is incredibly tall until someone proves it to be otherwise.

Michael Phelps is a freak and actually part fish. He is a mutant and should not be allowed to compete against mere drug-aided, normal people. In times like these, when we are faced with such creatures, we need the help of the Friends of Humanity and possibly Lou Dobbs.

Tennis is incredibly boring, but badminton is fun!

Women's (regular and beach) volleyball will be played on endless repeat in my head for the rest of my life.

If you aren't with us, you're against us...Bring 'em on...You see, you can't fool us again..."W" is still an idiot.

Gymnasts look like video game characters.

More to come maybe...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Y WE SHUD ALL LUV TEH INTRNETZ

We all know the internet is a series of tubes. This is a fact and cannot be refuted.


On this interweb we get to read the brilliant insights of everyday, hard-working people (the "grassroots" if you will) about politics. We get to learn that the proper spelling of "your" is "ur." We get to social network with our real life friends, make virtual (pretend?) ones and even catch up with the people we went to high school with who went to the local, terrible university and still hang out with other people from high school, unable to let things go, trying to suck you back into the ol' clique to relive the glory days (yeah, that's a joke) back before the beer bellies and multiple children in only five short years, as if you'd be into that...isn't that why you went to a different school? You didn't even like high school. Why would you want to relive that crap? Prom was the worst day of your life, yet they want to pull you back down to their level of the stupidity, listening to the worst music, laughing at Dane Cook and You Don't Mess with the Zohan!?! What the hell!?!

Ummmm...where was I? Oh right!

But what is the most practical use of this powerful new tool? This is the answer:

Awesome Videos


Learning About History


Making Jerks Look Like the Jerks They Are


And that is the ONLY thing it is good for.