Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Letter (Not The Letter, that cool song by the Box Tops and also Joe Cocker)

Where do I begin? A lot of things have angered me greatly today. First, I don't work at the radio station anymore (the only place I feel at home at school...well, anywhere really). Second, the people who dig the station, like, really care and know it, also did not get the General Manager position.

I'm worried. Will everything change? We're all...well, we're all freaks really. All of us listen to different things and dress differently, kind of strangely. Somehow we all fit together though. It's pretty cool actually.

I mean, I look around everywhere else and it's all sameness. Everyone strives for this ideal, this stereotype of cool. But to me, to us, it's striving to be a douchbag or a asshole. Whatever. We don't fit into this "Bro Culture" that everyone is so into. I don't want to go into describing all the details. If you go to NMSU or live in the area, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, I suggest you look around at the people around you in class, at the store, at the movies. Listen to the way they speak, their jokes, their slang. Watch how they interact with each other, body language and all. Watch their style of dress. It's blandly the same. Monotonous. A dizzyingly pop culture vanilla-ness which permeates everything. And they want it. They crave it. They MUST be the same. It is comfortable. It is easy. Don't think. Do what the crowd does. "Ah, bro, do you remember that Dane Cook joke! It was so funny! Seriously, my bros and I laughed until beer came out our noses!" Just look at them. Doesn't it make you sick? Why makes one force their mind to close and simply join in?

I would like to think they're afraid. It's hard to be different. I know. You never know where you fit. We tend to seek out groups to give us a sense of belonging. I don't think anyone is above this. I know, I'm certainly not. But the big, major groups are too limited in their personality. There is no room for individuality. And that is what I fear KRUX will become.

Do we need another Rocket, Power 102, Hit FM or KLAQ? I say with conviction, "NO!" Refuse to be force fed your opinion! Strike out on your own and be different! I don't have the time, the patience or the will to point out the flaws in the music played on these mindless stations. Just know there is better stuff out there! Justin Timberlake? No, no, no. Otis Redding! Comtemporary emo? No, no, no. Fugazi! Today's pop "punk?" No, no, no. Buzzcocks! And there's tons of more. I don't know every band. It'd be impossible. But, the cool thing about KRUX is we each have a specialty or a few where we know everything. Just click on the KRUX page and message one of the top friends. I'm sure they'd be happy to suggest some stuff. Well, I haven't asked them, but they probably will. I certainly will. That's why I got into this!

That was a lot longer than I thought it'd be. Let's seeeeeeeeeeee... Oh yeah, earlier in the day I was in a class where the lecture was on the destruction of the Spanish armada. It was really interesting, especially the amount of mistakes and unlucky things that happened to the Spanish leading up to the destruction (a funny thing happened on the way to overthrow the English crown...). However, there was this one point the instructor emphasised. He said, "If Drake had not destroyed those barrels, we might be speaking Spanish today." He said it matter-of-factly. And it was true. If Spain had been able to win, they would have remained the major power at the time and controled the New World (Jamestown was founded on the land Spain gave up three years after Spain sued for peace after losing). So he says this and the girl behind me says, disgustedly, "Ew." She was grossed out at the thought of speaking Spanish! Like it'd make her less of a person!

Now, I don't speak Spanish. I define myself as Spanish, not Mexican, but I don't speak it. But if I grew up speaking Spanish I would have absolutely have NO problem with it. If I grew up speaking French, Japanese, German (maybe not German, it's kind of ugly...), Italian (which is awesome because I would get SO much more out of the Godfather movies) or any other language, it would be fine. Why would it matter? I wanted to turn around and ask her what her problem is! Or slap her (I couldn't hit a girl). Or something! Anything! What's your problem you stupid...ah!...RACIST! There, I said it! What else could it be? It's just a damn language!

Anyway, my head doesn't hurt, but I feel pretty numb. I wish I did drugs or drank because I should so be doing either or both right now. But alas, I refuse to. Like an idiot. I'm left with thinking. Playing things over in my head. Scenario. Scenario. Scenario. The only thing I care about at this stupid school has been taken away. I think I've reached my peak at a few months into my 23rd year of existance. Wow. That ended quickly. In conclusion, I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart, "I'm sorry," to the people who also care about this small, seemingly insignificant radio station nestled in a valley where a town of less than 100,000 people reside. I let you guys down by messing up stupid things that could have easily been done correctly. Things I could have and would have done correctly if I had been given another shot. Or a chance. I don't want to be shot. Not anymore (I've calmed down a bit). Now what? Where do we go from here?

J.D. "your fearful leader" Benavidez

P.S. Wasn't there, at one time, a thing that let you put what you were listening to while writing? I don't see it. But I'm listening to Soft Machine. The record is called "Vols. 1 & 2."

P.S.S. I got to sing "Gloria" at the station today with Archives. Actually, I yelled it. Poorly. I've always wanted to be singer in a rock 'n' roll band (Do doo do do do do doo do do do dooo. It's hard to describe. But that should sound like the part in the Moody Blues song "I'm Just a Singer (In a Rock 'n' Roll Band)." Just listen to the song and sing along to that part. It'll make sense). Eh. I'm not much of a rock 'n' roll singer.

P.S.S.S. I don't expect this to change anyone's mind or anything. If you agree with me, you'll agree with me. If you don't, you'll think I'm bitter and jealous. I would just like to say for the record that I am not jealous. I just wish people had more respect for themselves than to not question anything. Oh well. That won't work either. Anyway, it's not like I've ever changed anyone's life. I don't expect to start now. I'm just so very, very tired of it all and I don't know what else to do. Something as futile as a MySpace blog is lazy and pointless. And worthless. Chalk it up to my narcissism.