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Showing posts from 2008
Every blog I frequent did this last week, so, like the maverick I am, I will do it now (plus I didn't really spend much time on the internet during the break). Alright. Here is my list:

10) New Mitch Hedberg Record

Just what I needed to pick me up, the new Mitch Hedberg comedy record, Do You Believe in Gosh?, lived up to everything I expected. It was funny. The end.

9) Collapse of the Financial Market

You may be asking (axin') yourself why I would be thankful for this when I'm so very, very poor and that jerk Henry Paulson won't bail be out of MY massive debt. Well, I had to break it down into the good and bad to figure it out myself.

The good: First, President Bush will go down as the worst president in the history of the United States of America, confirming what I've said for the last eight years. Second, watching those idiots on financial networks lose faith in all they believe in (the power of money and the markets over everything else) while it is obliterated makes…

Joe Biden in Mesilla, NM

Joe Biden stopped by Old Mesilla on October 17. I received word of his visit a few days in advance and was a bit excited. I mean, all I do is watch cable news and read political blogs all day so I've heard everyone's stump speech before. Still, I wanted to see him and show my support. I see the massive crowds that Obama and to a lesser extent McCain and Palin get and I hear stories about the excitement volunteers and about the protests and general craziness surrounding everything. I wanted to see it for myself.

I decided against going to class because I wanted to get there when the "doors opened" at 11:30. Of course I actually headed out on my twelve minute journey to Mesilla at a little before 11:30. Driving down the street a few miles away there were no Obama/Biden signs, but there were McCain/Palin ones dotting the place. That worries me. But when I finally got to Avenida de Mesilla I was pleased to see that parking was hard to come by. I ended up parking in a dirt…

What to Do When You Root for a Bad Team and Live Far Away

Watching the Boston Celtics defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight in Boston, I could not help remembering the joy of the crowd as they won the NBA Championship last season. The final game being a blowout, it turned into one long celebration. The fans were having such a great time! Now, I am a Celtics fan, but I have never been to Boston. One time I went to Washington, D.C, but that is as close as I have ever gotten. I am also an Oakland Raiders fan, but I have only been to the west coast once (and that was to Los Angeles). So, how can a fan stay rooting for their team when that team is bad and they live nowhere close? Unfortunately, I have some experience in this department.

Haha. Once upon a time all of my teams (actually, the teams I am a fan of, you know, since I don't actually own them) were horrible losers for many, many years and nobody ever had any hope they would win, possibly ever again. When your team only gets the minimal mention on Sportscenter and then only to laugh a…

Lamenting Aggie Football

The NMSU football game in Moscow, Idaho just ended. Despite being a two touchdown favorite to the perennial pushover Idaho Vandals, the Aggies lost once again. I suppose the typical response from the average fan would be, "Here we go again," because looking at the remaining schedule it appears as if the team will not make a bowl game for the 48th year in a row. The unfortunate thing about this season is the team looks very good on paper/in video games. Senior quarterback Chase Holbrook led the nation in passing a couple of years ago. Senior wide receiver Chris Williams could be the fastest player in the nation. A new defense brought hope that confusing the opposing offense with unique looks could lead to increased turnovers. Injuries to key players last year forced young players to grow up quickly and looked to infuse this year's team with a deeper roster.

But a funny thing happened on the road to familiar mediocrity. First, a hurricane forced the Aggies first opponent to…

Chuck Norris Is a Tough Guy and Military Expert

In order to prove how tough he remains at his advanced age (68 and not a grey hair to be seen) Chuck Norris bullies Arianna Huffington on Larry King Live. He tells her about his "two tours" in Iraq when he talked to troops and commanders and they told him that we need to stay there forever no matter the cost. That is why he is supporting Alaskan celebrity personality Sarah Palin for president, dooming the campaign to hilarious obscurity in a similar fashion to his effect on Huckleberry Hound.



Look, I've read all the Chuck Norris facts. Should he not be able to go to Iraq and kill all the terrorists by himself?

[Vet Voice]

Beware of Inventing Things and, also, Molemen

Some Foreign Guy invented the iPod, but gets NO MONEY AT ALL because Apple says they do not really care. [Daily Mail]The MTV Video Music Awards really sucked and pretty much nobody will ever watch it again...in a perfect world. [Slam Online]John Hodgeman (from the Daily Show and Apple commercials) has a new book and also talks about Molemen and Molemanic women a whole bunch. [Boing Boing TV via Comedy Central Insider]Stephen Colbert's DNA will soon be in space and that is actually very cool. Unfortunately it will not be his famous "Formula 401." Sorry ladies. [AP via No Fact Zone]The Onion has discovered the most important issue for this election and, really, every election. [The Onion]

The New Barack Roll Video

The McCain campaign seems to have no knowledge that putting a solid color behind their candidate makes it very easy to make him look as stupid as they actually are. So, for no other reason than the YouTubes provide a reason for people to make hilarious videos using the abundance of election footage floating around, I present to you the new Barack Roll video.



[John McCain Gets BarackRoll'd]

Updates: If Only We Could Get Rid of this Pesky Media

Meet the Eastern Media Elite that people have been so raving about (Dana Milbank is still an ass). [Swampland]A Southern Republican U.S. Representative is racist? I could not believe it either. But he has a great excuse...stupidity. (Stephen Colbert also made him look like an idiot about two years ago) [No Fact Zone and Atlanta Journal-Constitution]Grown man and Hall of Fame former basketball player Patrick Ewing forgets to wear pants like the rest of the grown ups. [Slam Online]One guy likes Nicholas Cage making an endless amount of crappy movies. [MSNBC]Oh look. A comprehensive story on the life of Mitch Hedberg. [New York Times]

Everything You Need to Know about Sarah Palin

Since the Alaska Governor, now Republican Vice Presidential nominee, remains the only thing anyone can talk about forever, here is a rundown of some of the stuff that has been revealed about her. This list is generally in reverse chronological order. I am going to assume most people already know the basics (like how she is the mother of everyone in Alaska and once shot every animal just to watch them die) and may still have missed out on some of the newest, post Convention news. She could be the funnest candidate for office in a long time because it is fun to watch a train wreck, I guess. Is it? Why is that a saying? It seems like a terrible thing actually. Anyway, ready? Let's Go!

She is kind of a racist. If by kind of I mean really, really. [LA Progressive]
Alaskan indie rock bands do not like her. [Hartford Courant]The people who defend her are idiots and hypocrites. [Comedy Central Insider]

She thinks community organizing is pointless and does not really know what they do apparen…

Remember When Jenna Fischer Was Kidnapped?

Rainn Wilson (Dwight from the Office) kidnapped Jenna Fischer (Pam from the Office) in an attempt to get people to go to his movie "The Rocker." It should have worked, right? Get a pretty girl from one of the best shows on television to drive web traffic to a website full of videos describing the kidnapping and people trying to get her out. Hey, even get Slash to guest star in a few videos! Keep the movie in everyone's mind so they go see it on opening day. So, how did it fare?

It turns out that even great viral marketing can not make an average movie great. Plagued by reviews of being boring and unimaginative (earning a 35% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com), "The Rocker" only managed to open in 12th place, grossing $2.75 million. So, now that the movie flopped there was only one question to ask, "What would happen to Jenna Fischer?"



So that did not happen, but then another video appeared that was much more sinister.



So now the fun is all gone and it w…

Updates: Beatles Monopoly

A new Beatles Monopoly game was released. Now you can own all the Beatles' catalog just like famed child molestor Michael Jackson! [Amazon]
Maybe you've heard of this Ron Paul guy? Every idiot you know likely has told you about him. Well, he had a convention at the same time as the Republicans and his was better with the costumes and whatnot. [Swampland]
Google created a web browser and will soon announce its' own government which we will all then switch to. The free market works, people! [Goggle's Blog]
No-longer-hostage Jenna Fischer wants to raise money for kittens, presumably for a presidential run, maybe. [Office Tally]
Who is Columbia gonna call to write the new Ghostbusters movie? The guys from the Office. [Variety]

Dood! RNC Gestapo Pigs Arrest Amy Goodman!

Police arrested Amy freakin' Goodman of Democracy Now!, the independent, nationally syndicated radio show, outside the Republican National Convention. In the video, below, you can tell how dangerous and menacing she is.



Obviously she had to be taken down. Good journalists who actually report on things that matter have no right to not be arrested! And you may think she does not look dangerous. Well, you'd be dead wrong! After she escaped from Gitmo (where the rest of her fellow real terrorists are being kept) she went on a rampage. This is actual footage from the cable news that happened when you were too busy not watching cable news because how much dramatic hurricane coverage theme music can you take before exploding?



My God, what have we unleashed onto the unsuspecting American people?

[Washington Post Blog]

Live Democratic Convention Coverage Is Crazy Fun!

I like MSNBC. It is funny. CNN is boring. Fox News is...retarded. But MSNBC is full of people who despise each other and say it on the air! I love live t.v!

Everyone at MSNBC probably should just get a little more sleep. This convention is tearing them apart! Why can't we just get along? Here is Chris Matthews losing his mind for no reason.

And then we have self-righteous, but usually correct and generally funny Keith Olbermann being an ass to major douchebag Joe Scarborough.

MSNBC can not get enough of tearing each other down as idiot Scarborough decides to be a major ass to another complete douche, David Shuster.

But they were not the only ones doing stupid things. Here is Fox News being eaten alive by protesting anarchist, liberal wolves. Then Fox reporter Griff "fratboy" Jenkins asks, as Fox reporters are prone to do at the drop of a hat (or accusations of bias), "Do you not believe in freedom?"

And if you want to know where any CNN videos are...well, there are …

Guess Whose Birthday It Was Yesterday...Kristen Wiig!

She's the super pretty girl from Saturday Night Live who also happens to be one of the funniest members. Yesterday she turned 35. Videos below the fold.







[Comedy Central Insider]

New Mitch Hedberg Record Soon

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg made people laugh with the strange inflections in his voice and even stranger observations. Now you can hear some jokes off the soon-to-be-released Do You Believe in Gosh? (record two months before his death), out on Comedy Central records September 9.

Hedberg was one of the greatest comics of his generation (certainly WAAAAAYYYY better than better known MySpace-fueled, shitty comics who just yell and couldn't tell a joke to save their life) despite his shy and unassuming stage presence. Now watch some videos of his greatness:







You can read more about the man and buy his old records, some cool t-shirts and other memorabilia at his website: mitchhedberg.net.

[Punchline Magazine]

Updates: A Good Week for New Mexico and other State Stuff

People all over the country get to learn that John "No, My Wife Owns Those Seven Homes" McCain wants all the young people in Las Cruces to be drafted and go to war against every country in the world and kill everyone or Osama Bin Laden (whichever comes first). [YouTube] A writer in Clovis thinks a town in New Mexico should change its name to Canton so Stephen Colbert makes fun of it as free publicity rains down on us all. [CNJ Online] New Mexico may just be able to increase its number of disgraced Pakistani dictators leaders when exiled former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf moves here! [PBS: Online NewsHour] Hippies tried to burn down NMSU in 1969, but luckily super asshole Steve Pearce was there to stop it with his ASNMSU President superpowers. Well, today we have an asshole ASNMSU President. I guess now we have to burn down some administration buildings. [New Mexico Independent]

The Bat-Man

I came back from the track at about 11:45 PM tonight. Next to my door was a bat hanging on the wall. A gigantic, evil bat that wanted to kill me! But I kept my cool. I'm not afraid of a stupid bat because I'm a man, damnit!
Watch This Because It Is Great

As I stuck the key into the thing on the door where you stick the key, the bat flew away...or so I thought. Understand that my door is a well known loser and rarely allows for a simple turn of the key. It must be coaxed into actually working (kicked, verbally abused, etc.). So as I was trying to turn the key, hoping no pretty girl would walk by to observe me struggling with a key, the bat, foaming at the mouth, flew back over me. At that point I ducked like a little sissy girl because, like, damn, the thing could have rabbies or something!

There was also, maybe, a Putty from the original Power Rangers there. I can't be sure.

The thing about bats is they are indeed scary. Some people who even PRETEND to be part bat attack their…

Updates: The Worst Way to Celebrate a Successful Movie

Craig Robinson (Darryl on The Office) plays a character in the awesome new stoner film "Pineapple Express" then goes and gets arrested for possessing meth and ecstasy. [New York Times]

Creed, guitarist for the 60's band The Grass Roots and actor on The Office, creates his own slang. [Creed Thoughts]

If the love fest between China and Kobe Bryant goes an inch further, Kobe is going to be forced to buy his wife another gigantic diamond ring. [Denver Post]

If you want to make people at Fox News mad just mention that John McCain had an affair. Similarly, if you want to get away with cheating on your wife, make sure you have been a POW first. [YouTube via Wonkette]

Some kid meets Glenn Danzig and Olivia Munn (and is even in a video for a second with her) at Comic Con. [Everything You Don't Care About Forever]

Jon Stewart is still cool and people want to write about him. [New York Times]

Rocky MMVIII: Obama v McCain

We already know Barack Obama is a secret mooslim, a radical christian, the anti-christ, the messiah, uppity, the most famous celebrity in all the world ever, a basketball player, an elitist, a professor, a lawyer, a Foreign, a librul, a lefty, best friends with Malcolm X and Scarlett Johansson and George Clooney, black, white, Hawaiian (or did I cover that with Foreign), unable to answer a phone at three in the morning, related to everyone everywhere, a drug addict, a gym rat, a known terrorist, the second coming of JFK, the second coming of RFK and willing to Lose the War™ to win an election. But what we did not know is that he is actually Rocky.





I find it strange that almost every clip has a black guys face plastered on a white body and white faces on black bodies. Which goes to show you: Rocky is a racist movie created by the KKK.

Bob Saget Hates You Too...Probably

Remember Full House? Bob Saget is not at all like his character. In fact, in this clip he looks almost presidential. Well, in that he calls a bird "the c-word," the same term of endearment John McCain uses to describe his wife.


Now, if Saget starts making crappy, terrible rape jokes, I will really start to wonder if him and McCain are the same person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?

[Funny or Die via Comedy Central Insider]

It's Like the Name Game, But Not at All

This is the scenario. Russia attacks your homeland 'cause they be all frontin' like dat. Soldiers burst into your room and demand you tell them what five records you would choose to save if you were being forced to choose (because you are, in fact, being forced to choose). In order to save the country you must list in the comments on this post which five records.

I shall start this off. Here is my list:

S.F. Sorrow by The Pretty Things
Revolver by The Beatles
Ascenseur pour l'├ęchafaud (Original Soundtrack) by Miles Davis
The Dock of the Bay: The Definitive Collection by Otis Redding
Casting Shadows by The Black Hollies
Wow. That was way harder than I thought it would be. Go ahead and try...if you have the balls. Oh. And also, if you do not comment an answer, then you hate the troops more than they do and apple pie and puppies and Marvin Gaye singing the national anthem.

[YouTube]

Troops Deployed Abroad Give 6:1 to Obama [OpenSecrets]

Updates: Maybe Not Ending But Certainly Changing

The Spanish basketball team is a bunch of jerks and they do not even realize it. [Slam Online]

Everyone in China loves Team USA Basketball. At least somebody outside the country likes us. [NBC Olympics]

Some veterans hate the stupid no-bid contractors in Iraq too. [Vet Voice]

Funny comedian Lewis Black to guest on NPR's 'Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me' on Saturday. [Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me]

By 2042, whites will no longer be the majority. Hispanics will immediately put up a fence along the Canadian border. [MSNBC]

Updates: The World Is Ending

A complete douche writes a poorly researched book full of erroneous information about Barack Obama and it immediately shoots to Number One. We Are Screwed.

Some people would not know good music from bad music if I kept slapping them in the face telling them which is which. MSNBC proves it knows little to nothing about music.

In case you missed it. MTV decides to murder 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' with a remake featuring new music. I can NOT wait for the Fall Out Boy featuring Soulja Boy produced by P.Diddy soundtrack!

Isaac Hayes memorial service scheduled.

Waiting for a Superbad 2? Keep waiting, but there may be a Pineapple Express, Superbad crossover movie. Probably not, but maybe.

Jenna Fischer Kidnapped!

Jenna Fischer, a.k.a. the cutest girl ever in the history of television and the world and probably every other planet in the universe, a.k.a. Pam Beesly on The Office (also my future wife), has been kidnapped by Rainn Wilson.

In what appears to be a desperate effort to get people to go see his new movie "The Rocker" which was all over My-freakin'-Space for weeks, Wilson vows to not let Fischer go until the movie grosses $18.7 million. At that time she will also receive a peach smoothie...and Wilson will probably be allowed to star in another movie and then go on to pull a David Caruso, leave The Office and fail.

Now, in a sign of the times, Wilson has created a website to raise awareness of his Pretty Girl Kidnapping. The first of what promises to be multiple videos has also been posted (starring Eddie Murphy and Robert Downey Jr.):



We need to save her now. This is a video from a few years ago of her on the Late Late Show:



Free Jenna Now!
Ransom Letter

UPDATE: Situation Resolv…

My Olympic T.V. Experience

All day, all the time, on every channel, images of comic book-looking Olympic athletes bombard our eyes. None of us will ever feel adequate again. But on the plus side, even though the world is slowlymeltingdown, the United States of Awesome should win a gigantic pile of gold medals which we will then use to prop up the failing U.S. dollar! And despite all of us being a fat slobs, we choose to cheer these people on to make ourselves feel better while using both fists to stuff doughnuts in our face. But did you know there are other countries trying to win too?

I've noticed a few things about all the countries and events. In China they play "The Final Countdown" by Europe during basketball games before critical possessions just like in the US. There are less belligerent, homoerotic magicians sadly.




There is a stereotype that Chinese people are short. But the Chinese basketball team has really good giants (including the 7'6" Yao Ming). And their small players are ter…

Y WE SHUD ALL LUV TEH INTRNETZ

We all know the internet is a series of tubes. This is a fact and cannot be refuted.


On this interweb we get to read the brilliant insights of everyday, hard-working people (the "grassroots" if you will) about politics. We get to learn that the proper spelling of "your" is "ur." We get to social network with our real life friends, make virtual (pretend?) ones and even catch up with the people we went to high school with who went to the local, terrible university and still hang out with other people from high school, unable to let things go, trying to suck you back into the ol' clique to relive the glory days (yeah, that's a joke) back before the beer bellies and multiple children in only five short years, as if you'd be into that...isn't that why you went to a different school? You didn't even like high school. Why would you want to relive that crap? Prom was the worst day of your life, yet they want to pull you back down to their level…

In My Day People Never Died

So it's become pretty popular for famous people to die. It's now the "in" thing to do. The most recent celebrity death is that of George Carlin. Now, most people will remember him as a great, boundary-pushing comedian, but I'll remember him as Mr. Conductor on "Shining Time Station." He was Ringo Starr's replacement for the role. What a cool train station!

I watched the show a great deal in my younger years because it combined two of my favorite things: 1) trains and 2) more trains. Plus the my mom ran a daycare and I ended up helping (at least as much as a child can) take care of little kids for a great deal of my childhood. Also, I kinda had a crush on Didi Conn on the show (she has a weird voice, but I'm a weird guy so I guess it makes sense). Here's an episode from the amazing research tool known as "the YouTube."




Hummmmmmm. What else? Oh. Something completly unrelated. I hate the t.v. shows that come out during the summer. Whi…

My Courtly Follies

I was in court today. My car was hit awhile back and they finally found the girl who did it. Since she hit the car and then ran I was pretty angry at the time, but finally, finally she would get in trouble, right? Well, no.

The first time I went to court a couple of weeks ago she wasn't there because they had forgot to inform her she was supposed to go. Great! I wasted a bunch of time that day, but whatever. I talked with the witness who actually saw her hit my car in the parking lot and he seemed like a nice guy. They reset the hearing for today and I, again, wasted a bunch of time to go.

When I got there I began feeling really nervous. First of all, the girl, Christina Wilder, was sitting with the witness and they were talking and joking. Then, I didn't notice the police officer there. I was only there to give them my bill from the repair shop. They looked for the officer, but they couldn't find him. So, the judge started the hearing and I got even more nervous.

It turns…

A Letter (Not The Letter, that cool song by the Box Tops and also Joe Cocker)

Where do I begin? A lot of things have angered me greatly today. First, I don't work at the radio station anymore (the only place I feel at home at school...well, anywhere really). Second, the people who dig the station, like, really care and know it, also did not get the General Manager position.

I'm worried. Will everything change? We're all...well, we're all freaks really. All of us listen to different things and dress differently, kind of strangely. Somehow we all fit together though. It's pretty cool actually.

I mean, I look around everywhere else and it's all sameness. Everyone strives for this ideal, this stereotype of cool. But to me, to us, it's striving to be a douchbag or a asshole. Whatever. We don't fit into this "Bro Culture" that everyone is so into. I don't want to go into describing all the details. If you go to NMSU or live in the area, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, I suggest you look around at th…

There has to be a better place than this, right?

I should probably write about SXSW before I forget everything. Pretty much I spent time watching real cool garage bands play. I don't know a lot about new music, but I just found a band I liked, went early and heard similarly awesome bands.

My favorite band was the Black Hollies. They were all decked out in suits with frilly things and boots (presentation is very important). Basically, they looked like they should have been playing in 1967 England. Most importantly they sounded the part. Their drummer was a madman (Keith Moon style). People were dancing. It was great. I saw them twice and bought some cool stuff.

The second best performance I saw was tied between the Downbeat 5 and Magic Christian. The Downbeat 5 are a three-piece who play real basic rock 'n' roll. After their set I overheard an older gentleman describing it as, "A-B, A-B, Chuck Berry. That's all you need to do." During one of their songs I thought the packed in crowd would riot because of all…

The Finish Line

Read the title again....Good. Now. I'm going to Finland! Get it? You should read the title again and really think about what I just said…Finish-Finland…

Alright, that wasn't funny, but there's a writers strike so I've no material.

Anyway, I have one more semester to go before graduation (plus a couple of online classes to get a second degree) and I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to do the thing I don't know what I'll be doing. But I have some ideas what I can do and some skills I wouldn't otherwise have so I know college wasn't a complete waste (I also have a greater understanding of debt and how that works). So there is a lot of uncertainty, but I do have some ideas of what I don't want to do and here it is. I do not:

1) Want to live in El Paso or Texas in general, the east, or the south.
2) Want to travel around the world.
3) Want to be a dishwasher or janitor ever again.
4) Want to ever have a cockroach-infested apartment again.
5…