Sunday, April 22, 2007


NYC: The Colbert ReportImage by wallyg via Flickr
I was at Ruby Tuesday a week ago (my burger was great) and we started talking about bacteria (completely un-food related). I decided we need to start a war on bacteria because they make us sick. I was told not all bacteria are bad, that in fact, most bacteria are not. Well, to that I say, as Stephen Colbert would say, "It is time to use our gut and not our brain." I FEEL bacteria are bad and, no matter what my brain may say, it makes all the sense in the world to destroy the entirety of them, once and for all.

Bacteria have had it too easy for too long. Anti-bacterial soaps have little effect today because we have not put enough pressure on bacteria to stop their biological weapons program...of themselves. Such stopgap (apparently one word, I looked it up because I had it hyphenated) measures designed to keep our enemy at bay have only served to prove our weakness in the eyes of our enemies around the world. In a post-9/11 world, we must be able to show we can eradicate all of our enemies, no matter how daunting of a task it may seem (I mean, there are, like, a bajillion bacteria out there).

The War on Bacteria (as it will be called in all further media sessions and press releases) must first begin by changing the minds of the American people. To this point, people are not as fearful of bacteria as they should be. We are overlooking the biggest threat to this country since Cat Stevens.  A media blitz must commence at once and then twice and finally three times with articles in scholarly journals, charismatic spokespersons on all national television and radio programs, books, conferences, changes to wikipedia pages, television, radio and magazine ads and we can even buy off some journalists to write some pro-War on Bacteria articles and editorials.

Now, I don't know how we can achieve the cleansing of all the earth of all bacteria.  I'm just a caveman.  Your world frightens and confuses me.  But there is one thing I do know: WOB is necessary for the survival of our society and democracy.  So, please, join me in the struggle against bacteria.  We will never forget...all those times when we got sick...and stuff.
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